gaming fun

ol. I clicked a link n got this app called episode. I don't play phone games. This one was a blast. I have a lot of will power for not buying 9000 coins to unlock all the fun perks. It was nice to play with my daughters cartoon though. I kept her honest adorable and pretty str8 edge. Mommas girl. 😍 funny right? Her arch-nemesis Regina has a yellow butterfly necklace around her neck! Made me giggle. Wanted to share my adventures with my new app! 😘Internet games are not much different from the Casino I'll tell u what! Just say no!

Today is Billy's angelversary and..

Beth Allen wrote this sweet dedication to her boy
"You never think you would have life end up with you having baby die. I never thought as a kid and teen, as I imagined my life, that it would end with me losing a baby. It is just something that you don’t even think happens. Until it happens. Then it feels like it is going to kill you.

I didn’t even know the depth and grief of still birth until I had experienced it. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

It is crazy, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Every feeling, every moment is as fresh in my mind now, Four years later as it was that day.

I have so many feelings right now, I am on overload and am numb. I am shocked and numb and mad and sad. I will post whatever I need to whenever I need to in order to get through this with my sanity and my faith still intact. I am not wallowing in my grief. I know other people grieve too. I am not depressed. I am not any of the things people have already said to me. I held my dead baby four years ago and I have a right to be sad if I want to and I have a right to…..well……do whatever I want to. I will not have anyone telling me how to grieve or that I shouldn't grieve and I should choose to move on. I don’t need people to respond to what I write. I am not looking for sympathy or words or anything I am just looking to get this off of my chest and this is how I choose to do it...so just let me be!

The biggest thing that I want people to know by reading this story of loss is that GOD IS GOOD. I have been mad at Him, and have yelled and screamed to Him, I have quit reading my Bible and quit praying and quit going to church…….none of it made me feel any better. The only thing that brought me healing was diving into His word and staying in His word. Being in a constant state of prayer……begging God to carry me. If I didn’t have Him in my life and my heart I would totally be in the loony bin right now, because I know I would have had at least one mental break. God is good, bad things happen but He is good. He hurts for us, He knows our pain. He cares. He loves us and wants to bring us healing."

get ur kick counts

Something told me to start my kick counts today. I'm almost 22 weeks. They say start for sure at 28. But I want to have a baseline well established by that time, in case there are any deviations, I can simply check my app. My son will be medically viable in 2 weeks. Today my son completed his first day of kick counts! 10 kicks in an hour and 10 minutes! Maybe more but I slept for about 20 minutes of the session lol. I am so proud of my boy. I also ordered some ugly bracelets from kickscount.org.uk One for me and one for my husband. So we can remember every day to take the time it takes to ensure the activity level of our son. There are no redo's in loss. But for some of us. There is do better when we know better. For us. There is, talk about our experience with Joislen, so hopefully other families will be empowered to monitor their child's activity levels. I did know about kick counts. I didn't know they could be a matter of life and death. I kick counted daily last pregnancy. After my last appointment the day before she died, they were so focused on everything else, her position, what to expect for labor...I shifted my focus to those things. When contractions came in, I didn't realize she hadn't moved that day. August 14-15, 2015, I lost my baby girl as I slept. I did not count her kicks that Friday. I don't believe joislen's destiny would've been altered if I would've intervened earlier. That is the peace I've made with my God, about my daughter's purpose. This is part of her purpose. Spreading awareness. Kick counts can't change everything. But there are many accounts of them saving a life. And now u know better too, so I hope you spread the word to pregnant mothers, to do better. This message isn't to beat those of us up who lost and didn't count. It's to encourage those who are carrying life now. To invest the time, to be proactive, and to advocate for your baby. So many women would give it all for the opportunity to do it over. Don't take the opportunity to kick count for granted. And as I always say. Count kicks till you see your babies feet! Distress is common at the finish line. Be even more vigilant then. In memory of my purpose baby Joislen Grace who died on her due date. A protective big sister who wants nothing more than for her baby brother to have the life on earth that she was never afforded, yet, never needed

sabbatical

Hello our dear loved ones. every once in awhile, we have to set aside time to reflect, hear from the Lord, and recharge. This is the month of June for us. there are things I have already written that I will update in July. but I just wanted to take a moment and inform any readers that there will be no updates in the month of June, and we will resume updates as usual come July. This has been a very sweet, maturing, and heavenly month so far, and I look forward to the big update in a few weeks! God bless you!

30

today i was on the phone with grandma, and she was asking how our bbq yesterday went. i told her it was awesome. she said how many people, 50? I said no mommy, but let me count. i started counting on my fingers and toes, taking my time to make sure i counted everyone. when i got to about 22 she said "i bet there were at least 30 people there". i kept counting. i got to 29. 29. there were 29 people at the party.

when my first lady drove off last night, she yelled, "BYE JOISLEN!" showing off that she finally learned how to say my daughters name right a few months ago lol.

i remembered that when i was talking to grandma and so yeah, she was right, there were 30 ppl at the party. Joislen was here. and she always is.

cute stuff

Kristina A. Karrick: Just saw this and couldn't help go notice what the ears are made out of! This just screams your little Miss to me! 💛👼🏼

sibling love

Everyone's doin this cute questionnaire for their children. I gotta use a little creativity but here's what I reckon they'd say. Lol love my babies.

(i asked dwayne the same questions for our kids. he said. Joislen grace taylor too. and d3 for Flash lol, i guess those really ARE their answers)

What's your name? Joislen Grace Taylor (yes she'd say the whole thing)
How old are you? Timeless
When is your birthday? ::asks God:: when did u first think of me? 
How old is mama? Perfect
How old is daddy? He's an old man
What's your favorite color? Yellow and white
What's your favorite food? Fruits
Who's your best friend? Jesus my mommy leniya and amila
What's your favorite show? Playing soccer
What's your favorite movie? Mommy and daddy, my whole family, love watching them
What's your favorite song? The one me and mommy wrote I LOVE that song
What's your favorite animal? Elephants. Mommy calls me her yellow butterfly
What are you scared of? What's scared mean?
What makes you happy? Smiling.

---------------------------------------------

What's your name? D3 to u
How old are you? Almost 0
When is your birthday? Daddy's if all goes according to my plan
How old is mama? I dunno
How old is daddy? Older than momma
What's your favorite color? Grey
What's your favorite food? Wendy's home style chicken sandwiches
Who's your best friend? Joislen Adrian and josiah
What's your favorite show? Sleep
What's your favorite movie? When daddy comes home from work. He's so funny
What's your favorite song? My moms voice
What's your favorite animal? I don't think we like animals
What are you scared of? Nothing. I just don't wanna let my momma down.
What makes you happy? My dreams of meeting my family

this is a video. of one of the closest ways my children can be together on earth. listening to heartbeats at the same time, of when she was alive too.

sweet Landon

I love kids! My friend and I hadn't messaged since November 24, 2015. Today I got a message and automatically knew it was her son Landon. First of all he had to get to my name. 954 is the first 3 digits of my area code of my cell phone number (we don't have each other's numbers). Then an angel emoji and some flowers. aw thanks bud joislens pretty awesome Huh. Seashell. Dwayne proposed on a beach. I drowned when I was a baby. Was in the navy for 4 years, worked on a cruise line...the beach is kinda my thing. 2nd family emoji me Dwayne Dwayne Mackenzie and joislens footprints forever in all of our hearts. (Mom said all these emojis were not in her top before this message, he scrolled) Maybe all u see is the kkk and the gay guys with 2 daughters. But I see everything else. Lol. I said tell that boy I said thank u. He said "welcome!" 😂 I'm telling u if u just dare to believe some pretty amazing stuff can happen ☺️

(momma says this boy is special and often talks about things, way outside of this world. how sweet. i think he's 3-4)

never forgotten. never ever forgotten

today. auntie leneen said "i love our joislen grace" and as she said those words i drove by this car. faded. but two of the butterflies were yellow.

signs from her auntash

and a fellow loss momma

never. joislen never stop reachin out please. these touches mean so much to me. my kisses of motherhood with you. keep hugging tight baby. keep hugging from heaven. 

stats! :o)

Today I had the pleasure of noticing a part of the blog I never pay attention to; page views. Joislens blog has been viewed over 20,000x by other people and has been viewed in 14 countries. We are averaging 100 page views a day. I just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to visit her site. Show some love. Be encouraged. Be encourageable. And be encouraging. We both love everyone who God has destined us to come in contact with. And we take no part of this blessed journey for granted. Love from the duo. 💛👸🏽👼🏽💛   

(it only shows 10 countries at a time in 2 views, i wonder if there's more!)

my Jois. my joy.

My inactivity this pregnancy has been crippling. A little fear mixed with sadness of hopes deferred just left me not active at all since my daughter died. When I realized via my health app just how inactive I had been it was sobering to say the least. While I'm not gaining weight, I still know that this lack of cardio and vitamin d is not optimal, although my son is thriving. My husband came in on Tuesday and out of nowhere said get up we're going for a walk. Yesterday my neighbor friend stopped by unannounced and I took it as a sign I should get up and finish her walk with her. Today I had so much energy when I woke up that I just went for a 3 mile stroll on my own (well, with my children and God). It's so nice and refreshing to face things that once had me bound. I feel free. And my boy is fluttering away. As a gift from Jesus and Joislen. I was able to capture my first yellow butterfly on camera. All this talk of them. All these pictures from other people. Drawings and YouTubes. Symbols shapes and paintings. But I was yet to capture anything with my own camera. Today I did. And not just a picture. But a minute long video recording. What heavenly encouragement. I avoided walking because I planned on taking my daughter on walks and those plans were never fulfilled. But I suppose. I suppose today they were fulfilled. Thanks for brightening up mommy's day baby love. Thanks for brightening up mommy's life.

always making an impact

Trish Taylor, I took this on a walk today and thought of you -Michelle Weaver

(unedited, my favorite gorgeousness)

resting with daddy. resting in Daddy.

I found some footage from the hospital that I hadn't seen. It was Monday August 17, 2015 at 1:05am. A two minute recording. Dwayne held his babygirl as he slept. And his heavy breathing made her look like she was just sleeping, like her dads breath was her own. It's my 2 minute video to dream, or even to imagine her rest in Him. I am not a cryer when it comes to Joislen. But after watching that video. And then watching him escort her out the hospital. I wept. He is such a good and loving father and I'm so happy our children get to call him daddy

(around this time, in FL, auntie leneen had a memory of this video that i had showed her when she visited for joislen's birth. "i was thinking about him sleeping while she was on his belly...think i took a deep breath when i was in bed n that memory popped in my head....") #connected 

"But mommy loved me so much, I got to come straight here"

‎Kristen Freter‎: How perfect for your girl!

in our element

I brought my Joislen bear to church today. Pastor niki who we asked to be Joislens California God mom before she was born, got teary-eyed when she held her. She appreciated the sentiment of holding Joislens height and weight and was loving toward the bear. La'shonda and Sasha were so caring and sweet. The teens all held her in teen focus today. It was nice to be received. When auntie Jessica asked to hold her. I got the bear back 20 minutes later damp of tears, I looked up and saw the tear stains in her face. We embraced during worship holding our sons and in Jesus's light with Joislen's sweet spirit near. A maternal cry. Jess was out of town when Joislen was born and was one of the few people I wanted to come by who wasn't able. FaceTime just wasn't personal enough for this kinda thing, only her gma grant saw her digitally that day. Jess never got to see her out my womb. She been to Drs appointments. She and I did a lot of things together while we were pregnant with our babies. Joislen was even there for Josiah's birth and behaved so mommy had the strength to serve as aunties doula. But Jess never got to hold her nieces physical self, and jess is a very touchy person. That hurt her. So today was a special day for her. Plus Josiah ain't gunna be an only child forever. so Jess asked for the bear back after a few moments, and enjoyed spending the whole service with her nieces bear and her son, juggling them both. We love you auntie Jessica! We love you Josiah!

Dr. D Radio

A success touching on a taboo topic! Cannot wait for part two. much love. In honor of Luca Joislen and all our angels. Dr d thank you for your passion. You don't have to do what you do. But I'm grateful you do.

Momma Pantera

because a blog wouldn't be a blog without a writerish picture and a third person paragraph... Trish-Ann is a dedicated mother to her purpose baby, Joislen Taylor, whose memory she plans to keep alive, for as long as she is. She is a major advocate for women; pursuing her career as a labor and delivery nurse with doula bereavement training . She works alongside local hospitals in San Diego to bring about necessary change to better accommodate grieving families. She truly embodies the heart of a philanthropist, and has an enjoyment in creative expression. This is her journey. her Journey with Joislen. it started November of 2014, (long before then actually, but November is when it finally began to materialized). Enjoy all that has transpired since then. and all that continues to transpire.  It is truly the hand of God at work.

"Nobody cares about your story unless you win. So win."-Esther Rodriguez

My favorite Resources

Stillbirth resource: private Facebook founded by Lori Esteve "stories of babies born still" 

*Dad grief: a guide for fathers: when a baby dies tim Nelson (Amazon book) 

*Sibling grief: We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead-Pat Schwiebert (Amazon book) 

*Sherokee Ilse www.babiesremembered.org she's written a library on loss (click on resources 

*creative online resource 

https://www.facebook.com/CarlyMarieProjectHeal/

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2015

*memorial weighted bears

Mollybears.org 1 day a month 20$ (be very specific when you order!) 

Alexabears.com free (I still give a donation) 

bears4absentbabies.com 25 smaller babies 50 bigger includes height as well 

keepsake jewelry plug from a very special designer who made things for our family but isnt in the business anymore due to needing more family time: "Mel from Beyond The Willow Tree in Australia takes worldwide orders and does the most beautiful work. For US based companies, Bridgette from JoBri Milk Charms (Texas) and Angel from Post Bedtime Creations (Michigan) do quality work, but mainly do milk and ashes while Mel from BTWT can do all the same things I do. These are the only 3 people I'd trust to make me something beautiful, quality, and definitely use *my* materials plus give good customer service, but Mel would by far be my top pick by a mile."

Local bereavement groups
http://isabellasgiraffeclub.org/services/
Emptycradle.org

Delivering hope military families first Tuesday night of each month at naval medical hospital San Diego (balboa)  

jamie.a.gilchriest.civ@mail.mil

Pregnancy guide spiritual helps combat anxiety 

about our dresses

Halima Sadia: This is such a God sign....u both have such a strong bond that physical boundaries dont matter.....joislen n mommy are so in love with each other that joislen choose to wear a dress made from mommys dress....to look as beautiful as mommy💐💐Halima Sadia 

visiting her womb friend gabby

Jatara Nicole: look what just landed by us while we're outside playing 😃

God-siblings

Joislen's personalized weighted south Florida bear arrived home today. (Little Eli's and yellow butterflies on it) And her cousins fought over who gets to hold her. The boys never got too meet her. We only FaceTimed throughout the pregnancy. Niya got to meet her physical self after she passed. And bond with her in the womb while she was alive in person. Regardless of the specs. This feels like a reunion. A little glimpse of what some heaven fellowship will be like for us. Leneen Williams god siblings

Deena! the talented, loving, Deena!

we present to you...Joiseli
my kamama

our yellow dresses

Oh my God. My mind is blown. I was not going to share this story for a few days. (Just a story about a new bear I got and A old dress I had) But my on this day feature popped up faithfully! And it was full of meaning. 1 year ago today i made this picture of me and my mom my default. i was 7 months pregnant with joislen at the time, and i made this picture my default. so it popped up on my feature. 4 years ago I wore my yellow dress. I maybe wore it 3 times or so. But this was hands down the most memorable day of me wearing it. It was my first day back to church after a 6 month deployment. It was my moms first time to San Diego after she flew out to Hawaii to sail with me. It was the day I got an Instagram account and wanted to know how people did these cool "70s filters" as I called them. It was the only day I was photographed in this dress. Did a mini photoshoot because I felt so beautiful. 4 years ago. May 27, 2012. and last year, on today, i made this special picture from that time, my default. .
fast forward 364 days:
Last night my husband told me my other bear came in (this is her same height too, height and weight-"bears for absent babies" they cost but it's worth it). I got home late and he was already in bed so I wanted to spend time with him. So I said. I'll open the bear tomorrow. I opened the bear an hour ago. And the bear was in this gorgeous yellow polkadot dress with frillies on the arm. (I did not request ant attire specifications at all) Little yellow bloomers (because she's a lady). A flower on her ear. A yellow butterfly on her foot. And Joislen Grace on her other foot. I did not ask for a perfect yellow dress. The designer just chose this. I held up this bear like the proud mother I am, (as though it were a scene from the lioness queen 👑) In exuberant joy. This bear. Is perfect. This bear is my bear. My Joislen bear numero uno. It then dawned on me that I have a strikingly similar dress! I went to my Instagram to find the dress. I scrolled all the way to the very bottom. And I saw the dress! So I started making collages of this sweet realization. I FaceTimed Joislens god mom and grandma god sister and they all admired our new bear with great love. I told them both. "Look I know the stuff in heaven will make these dresses look like nothing. But I like them. And I'm asking God that when I meet Joislen. If he doesn't mind. If I'm in my dress. And she's in hers". (Heaven is the only place that that dress can fit me again!) and I genuinely am asking God to do that for me. This is what I picture my baby wearing. This was one of my most beautiful days in life. And that's what I want.

After all this I came on to FB. And in my memories. 1 years ago today my default selection was divinely orchestrated, as was my outfit selection from 4 years ago. I defaulted the picture of me and grandma in the dress. a pic from 4 years ago, The memorable day in this dress.
I love Jesus so much.
He has greatly exceeded my expectations of being able to mother my daughter through death in life.
I am humbled
I am grateful.
And I just have so much love in my heart.

(the band with her name is a new ring that arrived in the mail today)

can you imagine that 4 years ago, the outfit i picked out was divinely orchestrated, for greater comfort through this grief process, 4 years later? can u tell me He doesn't love us. can you tell me He doesn't care about the little things. my not so religious friend with 4 living children, read this story, and called me blessed. only God can make a woman with newborn twins, look a woman with a "dead baby", and call her blessed. I am so thankful for these hugs from heaven. may be the biggest one to date though im not sure. i will keep sharing these moments. in case anyone needed more proof. that God is real. heaven is real. death doesnt win, and we have a chance in Him to see our children again.

(this picture was taken on may 27, 2012, but defaulted last year today, May 20, 2015)

sistah sistah

This is a special story about siblings who are in different dimensions. Joislen has been extra lovey. It started yesterday when I was talking to my best friend in loss (we don't talk on the phone often) As soon as she picked up the phone a yellow butterfly started dancing nearby. (I think solidifying that Joislen and Eleanor brought us together). I saw one on Sunday for a few moments camouflaged in yellow roses outside but it's been a few weeks before that occurrence. I then parked somewhere where I had reception so we could talk and I must have seen 4 different yellow butterflies during that conversation. today. I wore my kamama shirt because Ashley hadn't seen it. When I was driving to drop her and the twins home after our sleep over I said. Did u see my kamama shirt? Within seconds of me asking her this. Joislens song (I can only imagine Tamela Mann) came on pandora. This is the 4th time it's came on since she passed away. I began to cry at the end when it said "to hear Him say, 'well done, well done'" as I imagined my daughter making it to our Heavenly Father and Him welcoming her with pride and adoration. I asked Ashley if she wanted a smoothie and she agreed. I checked in with my smoothie app to get my 3 digit discount code. It's random numbers. 404 comes up. Joislens birth time. I quickly realize Joislen is being so palpable today because it's her sisters 7th birthday! Makenzie is like me, not afraid to dream a little, and I just know they have an amazing relationship through the dimension. Makenzie is also a worshiper like us and I could just envision her praising to Joislens song. I could not love my daughters any more. Nothing can break their bond. After I got out my appointment I had a picture of Makenzie in my texts from her auntie in Jville who went to surprise her at school. I told her what happened today and she said, she talks about Joislen all the time. Lol. Our girls. Happy 7th birthday sweetness. Can't wait to see you in the summer.

(i got to facetime makenzie later that day and told her about her sister wishing her happy birthday and she said "she knows my birthday!") <3 love them.

marley and me

Marley just loving her Joislen bear. She was so sad when Joislen died and cried during dumbo. She was so happy to love on the bear. "She's so huggable" she exclaimed. with an ear to ear smile 💛☺️

molly bear post!

how many living children

Stupid question form. How many pregnancies. 2. Ever miscarried or had an abortion? No. How many living children. 0. Smdh 2016 can we add a line for stillbirth people. next thing on Joislen's legacy checklist is for this hospital to fix their forms.

mom and baby are doing fine

isnt it funny what some may take for granted, others consider a downright miracle? im not sure if people realize the magnitude of this statement: "healthy mom and healthy baby!" 5 words ive heard all throughout my life. words i never thought had so much meaning, until they weren't said.

THE BESTEST BEAR EVER YET!

my Joislen teddy arrived today. thanks Molly Bears (exquisite designer Jessica Head--in honor of her angels Emerson and Natalie) for this amazing gorgeous beautiful perfect detailed thoughtful weighty huggable creation! this came exactly on her 9 month angelversary, after a pretty emotional day for other reasons, and i am just thankful for the comfort that this bear brings to my heart and home.

visitations 💜

Thanks for sharing your journey. Baby Joislen is so sweet. I've been having some crazy days and I think she came to visit and brighten up my day....little yellow butterfly dancing all around my front porch this morning- LaKeisha Troy 

my flying flower

what is my love but a flying flower? a flower is beautiful when it is seen in the one place it takes root. Or a flower can be beautiful when it is uprooted, but only for a moment of time. oh, but a flying flower, my flying flower is not bound by location or ground. she gracefully dances about, leaving things prettier than the way that it was found. she's my moving beauty with no special powers to beautify, but only the power to be, an encourager, to edify. what pride a mother feels when her daughter's impact crosses dimensions. what joy it brings when a stranger cares to mention, my Joislen. baby, writing you love songs is my heart's consolation. a sweet pleasure i will partake in, for the whole of life's duration.

-infinity love,

Mommy

9 months. i've been told that has significant in the community with losses like mine. because the baby has been gone as long as they were here; a painful reminder i reckon, that from this day forth, their death has outlived their life. 

protective of my progress and my perspective, i first of all am of the thought process that pregnancy is 10 months (40 weeks)...nevertheless, it's some time in between 9 and 10 months. but no surprise to anyone, i opt out of giving this milestone that spin.

time stopped the moment you died. 

so none of that makes sense to me. time stopped, and that is documented in my order of life events:

'sometime on august 14-15, 2015, Joislen died-- time stopped, a new time started, and split in two directions'. 

time is now, 2 things. chronological as known on earth, and heaven time. chronological time is the same it has always been, except it stopped forever and a new time began. so it's the same time but a new time. kinda like if you rebought the same exact thing after 29 years. it's the same. but it's new, it's different. what this time means to me in relation to Joislen's death is how many months i am closer to seeing her again. so when she died, i was some number of months away from eternity. a number that only God knows. now 9 months out, im 9 months closer to that date when i get to the heaven time, which brings me to my next point.

heaven time, is inconceivable to my natural mind. 1000 years can be as one day. in the scope of eternity, 75 years doesn't even scratch the surface. this is the time my daughter is governed by: timelessness. mindful that she is the object of grief's affection, if her needs are met, and if she is not hurt by the calendar, i try to match her experience although i'm not always a success. sometimes chronological time is like a ton of bricks on my chest. but awareness of her time helps me to be nearer to her.

so. i say all that to say. tomorrow isnt the day where she's been dead longer than she was alive. tomorrow is the day i'm yet another day closer to seeing her again. tomorrow is the day where her timelessness (measured in earth time) has trumped the span of her mortality. truly, the two times are incomparable. my time and her time. so let today just be what it is. 9 earth months since i birthed her lifeless, yet, gorgeous members; and i would imagine, if my arbitrary calculations fail me not, a few heaven nanoseconds.

oh girl, i love you sometime serious

that, will never ever change

flying in florida

Just saw a beautiful big yellow butterfly outside of my balcony.....floating and dancing in the wind! I thought of you and Joislen. Much love! -‎Arianna Barrabi-Tapia

touching a nurse cross country

Because of you, Trish Taylor, I'm holding my children a little closer. When I'm frustrated as a mother, I think of your loss, and everything doesn't seem as bad. Because of you, I know 1/160 pregnancies result in stillbirth. Because of you, I'm saying an extra prayer for you to feel extra love and comfort in the midst of your grief. Because of you, I sometimes feel my prayers just aren't enough. Because of you, I've prayed for an opportunity to give back. So, made this box and prayed and prayed it will bless another mother in her time of loss. Your baby was beautiful and she mattered. Little Joisey has a memorial right here in Virginia.-Michelle Weaver