my flying flower

May 16, 2016

what is my love but a flying flower? a flower is beautiful when it is seen in the one place it takes root. Or a flower can be beautiful when it is uprooted, but only for a moment of time. oh, but a flying flower, my flying flower is not bound by location or ground. she gracefully dances about, leaving things prettier than the way that it was found. she's my moving beauty with no special powers to beautify, but only the power to be, an encourager, to edify. what pride a mother feels when her daughter's impact crosses dimensions. what joy it brings when a stranger cares to mention, my Joislen. baby, writing you love songs is my heart's consolation. a sweet pleasure i will partake in, for the whole of life's duration.

-infinity love,

9 months. i've been told that has significant in the community with losses like mine. because the baby has been gone as long as they were here; a painful reminder i reckon, that from this day forth, their death has outlived their life. 
protective of my progress and my perspective, i first of all am of the thought process that pregnancy is 10 months (40 weeks)...nevertheless, it's some time in between 9 and 10 months. but no surprise to anyone, i opt out of giving this milestone that spin.
time stopped the moment you died. 
so none of that makes sense to me. time stopped, and that is documented in my order of life events:
'sometime on august 14-15, 2015, Joislen died-- time stopped, a new time started, and split in two directions'. 
time is now, 2 things. chronological as known on earth, and heaven time. chronological time is the same it has always been, except it stopped forever and a new time began. so it's the same time but a new time. kinda like if you rebought the same exact thing after 29 years. it's the same. but it's new, it's different. what this time means to me in relation to Joislen's death is how many months i am closer to seeing her again. so when she died, i was some number of months away from eternity. a number that only God knows. now 9 months out, im 9 months closer to that date when i get to the heaven time, which brings me to my next point.

heaven time, is inconceivable to my natural mind. 1000 years can be as one day. in the scope of eternity, 75 years doesn't even scratch the surface. this is the time my daughter is governed by: timelessness. mindful that she is the object of grief's affection, if her needs are met, and if she is not hurt by the calendar, i try to match her experience although i'm not always a success. sometimes chronological time is like a ton of bricks on my chest. but awareness of her time helps me to be nearer to her.

so. i say all that to say. tomorrow isnt the day where she's been dead longer than she was alive. tomorrow is the day i'm yet another day closer to seeing her again. tomorrow is the day where her timelessness (measured in earth time) has trumped the span of her mortality. truly, the two times are incomparable. my time and her time. so let today just be what it is. 9 earth months since i birthed her lifeless, yet, gorgeous members; and i would imagine, if my arbitrary calculations fail me not, a few heaven nanoseconds.

oh girl, i love you sometime serious
that, will never ever change

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