our yellow dresses

May 20, 2016

Oh my God. My mind is blown. I was not going to share this story for a few days. (Just a story about a new bear I got and A old dress I had) But my on this day feature popped up faithfully! And it was full of meaning. 1 year ago today i made this picture of me and my mom my default. i was 7 months pregnant with joislen at the time, and i made this picture my default. so it popped up on my feature. 4 years ago I wore my yellow dress. I maybe wore it 3 times or so. But this was hands down the most memorable day of me wearing it. It was my first day back to church after a 6 month deployment. It was my moms first time to San Diego after she flew out to Hawaii to sail with me. It was the day I got an Instagram account and wanted to know how people did these cool "70s filters" as I called them. It was the only day I was photographed in this dress. Did a mini photoshoot because I felt so beautiful. 4 years ago. May 27, 2012. and last year, on today, i made this special picture from that time, my default. .
fast forward 364 days:
Last night my husband told me my other bear came in (this is her same height too, height and weight-"bears for absent babies" they cost but it's worth it). I got home late and he was already in bed so I wanted to spend time with him. So I said. I'll open the bear tomorrow. I opened the bear an hour ago. And the bear was in this gorgeous yellow polkadot dress with frillies on the arm. (I did not request ant attire specifications at all) Little yellow bloomers (because she's a lady). A flower on her ear. A yellow butterfly on her foot. And Joislen Grace on her other foot. I did not ask for a perfect yellow dress. The designer just chose this. I held up this bear like the proud mother I am, (as though it were a scene from the lioness queen 👑) In exuberant joy. This bear. Is perfect. This bear is my bear. My Joislen bear numero uno. It then dawned on me that I have a strikingly similar dress! I went to my Instagram to find the dress. I scrolled all the way to the very bottom. And I saw the dress! So I started making collages of this sweet realization. I FaceTimed Joislens god mom and grandma god sister and they all admired our new bear with great love. I told them both. "Look I know the stuff in heaven will make these dresses look like nothing. But I like them. And I'm asking God that when I meet Joislen. If he doesn't mind. If I'm in my dress. And she's in hers". (Heaven is the only place that that dress can fit me again!) and I genuinely am asking God to do that for me. This is what I picture my baby wearing. This was one of my most beautiful days in life. And that's what I want.
After all this I came on to FB. And in my memories. 1 years ago today my default selection was divinely orchestrated, as was my outfit selection from 4 years ago. I defaulted the picture of me and grandma in the dress. a pic from 4 years ago, The memorable day in this dress.
I love Jesus so much.
He has greatly exceeded my expectations of being able to mother my daughter through death in life.
I am humbled
I am grateful.
And I just have so much love in my heart.

(the band with her name is a new ring that arrived in the mail today)

can you imagine that 4 years ago, the outfit i picked out was divinely orchestrated, for greater comfort through this grief process, 4 years later? can u tell me He doesn't love us. can you tell me He doesn't care about the little things. my not so religious friend with 4 living children, read this story, and called me blessed. only God can make a woman with newborn twins, look a woman with a "dead baby", and call her blessed. I am so thankful for these hugs from heaven. may be the biggest one to date though im not sure. i will keep sharing these moments. in case anyone needed more proof. that God is real. heaven is real. death doesnt win, and we have a chance in Him to see our children again.


(this picture was taken on may 27, 2012, but defaulted last year today, May 20, 2015)







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