we miss you so much

As i woke my son for breakfast and we blessed our day in prayer. I asked God to give Joislen a hug and a kiss n tell her we missed her. And the tears just began to flow. They are dropping on my baby's forehead as I nurse him. The baseline of their relationship is in part a game of telephone with God in the middle. At least the messenger is reliable. But that realization was so sad. Sad for myself sad for my son. Postpartum is a time where your estrogen levels are going from 10k to 100 in what feels like an instant. I am not depressed but i am surely more in touch with my emotions at this time. I'm not a cryer when it comes to certain things. I rarely cry cuz I miss Joislen. But as a mom who is experiencing mothering her first living child from birth. I guess I'm learning what I'm missing a little more each day. We wanted our daughter and we got her in her spirit form. Our son just warms our heart so so much. What love. The reality of it though is that siblings could've been physically bonding. So yet another layer of comfort will come when we get to see siblings bonding. This is just reality. I'm grateful for my children individually and collectively. When u lose one a chair at the dinner table is empty. Now d3 has a chair. But him and Joislen aren't eating together, as we can see it with natural eyes any way. So when two bond, yes, more comfort for our grooves. Even then though. there could've been 3 littles u know? (4 including Makenzie) This whole grief thing is so heartbreaking at times. I know the difference between this kicking fighting gorgeous babe and them pulling your baby out the freezer at a funeral home so you can say your last physical goodbye; I know the fragility of life. I know the difference between here and gone is the blink of an eye. Those who've never lost a child. Those who've lost ten. Those with one living child or none: honor your journey. Celebrate or grieve in your portion as needed. And be ever mindful that there is so much more to life than life.

We miss you terribly Joislen. You will always be our girl.