dear august

Aug 1, 2016

this is my baby's month. grief overtakes my heart. and i begin to weep. tears that probably should've fallen. hard. and long ago.
new week. new month. new life. august. while last year you were the one I will always cherish in that i made my final memories with my daughter's physical self. while you offered me the best day of my maternal journey when i gave birth to my daughter. and yet the most devastating day i pray i will ever have to experience, when i learned she was no longer with us in her body. while you were the most life changing month of my existence, where Joislen translated to glory, and my life purpose was ignited with a fire strong enough to consume the universe, yet somehow contained within the four chambers of my heart-- where i experienced agony i did not know my bones could withstand, and divinity i did not know flesh could only prayer for this august is that it is quiet. lovely. and peaceful for us. my mom celebrates 60 years on earth while her sweet grandbaby girl celebrates one year in heaven. my precious goddaughter turns 5 and goes off to kindergarten. i wonder what it feels like to see your daughter off to school....or anywhere really. I've only seen my daughter off to eternity. i know what that feels like: the best place, be it as it may...but hardly the first. my hope is that this is the last month of my life i will ever have to experience without my living children in my presence. i want to watch them grow. all i ask God, is that this august goes by quickly. uneventfully. and we all make it out in one piece. in one peace. in one.

like the pictures. it started and ended in color. but the lifelessness that happened in the dash between August 1-August 31, was visceral.

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