speaking my heart

Jul 31, 2016

Of the 10,829 babies born on August 16, 2015. 72 would be stillborn. Joislen would be one of those 72. I wonder how we got to be one of the lucky families. How did we get that cross. I wonder if God chose the angels He wanted, the devil chose the families lives he wanted to ruin, or just life happened, and it just happened to happen to us. I wonder if it's some of all three. I'm not talking why. I'm talking how.
For every mother who gives birth to a stillborn baby, over 150 women would give birth to a living child. How can a society hear the cries of a mother with a dead child when so many women's celebration experiences unintentionally silence ours
No wonder it's so common for people I meet who learn I had a stillbirth, who also know I'm pregnant, to ask if this is my first. How are they supposed to know better? I'm like a needle in a haystack and many other needles like me lose their voice, because they're sick of being silenced ignored and forgotten.
I can't understand how anyone can't understand our incorporation of all our children in our family.
What other option is there?
Does a baby gain meaning value worth a soul a heart on the day they take their first breath of oxygen out the womb?
Does the 4-42 weeks of pregnancy filled with experiences and pictorial memories and physical bonding and hopes and dreams mean nothing?
Does length of days determine purpose and success?
Because I know some pretty crappy old people
I know some pretty wicked people in their prime.
Supposedly a majority of us believes in afterlife
Yet is it strange to talk about it? See glimpses of it? Get signs from your loved ones who are there? We believe but when we see this faith in action its foreign. And I can't figure out why.
Many people believe babies who die go to heaven. But not the people who need to believe it most. Many of us parents are not comforted at all by our children being okay. Because it's too hard of a concept to grasp. But guess who has an easy time reminding us. Everyone else. Their in a better place! Woman. May I ask you. If you had to lose a child, would those words comfort you? Because they seem cold. They seem like someone's trying to silence or make less of our valid devastation. It's not the reality of where they are that's the problem. It's when u tell us. 9/10x when people tell me my child is in a better place it doesn't bring any comfort. At all. Because they aren't considering what I am feeling. Empathy is one of the most basic of feelings. We get it when we're young and we lose it as we become tainted by this world. I love kids. They ask the hard questions. They say the raw things. And we can handle it. Because they are genuine. "that is so dang sad you lost your baby girl, I'm finna cry" one boy told me. And then joy in his eyes when he found out I was carrying another child, about matched mine.
About every passerby wants to rush through the trauma part of our reality and get to the celebration. Our rainbow! Our living children! The "at leasts". And really. It'd be really nice if people would just listen. Give a hug. Allow the hurt to sink in. Ask caring questions. Not invasive ones like how did it happen (aka what did u do wrong). Not ignore. Man. Do those things crush.
If Joislen was here id be spending 23 hours a day with her. I'd be taking countless pictures of her. My. God the investment of time and love id pour into that girl. So why not now. Why should I shut up about my very real amazing daughter who lives in heaven? I'm sorry your faith is small. But mine is not. And I will talk about her till I see her again. It's the very least I can do. A 10 minute post. A mention of a yellow butterfly. This is my portion of my motherhood with Joislen and I will never shut up about it. I'm a big advocate for respecting everyone's grief process. Not all are like me. But this is me. In school I do my nursing research topics about infant loss and bereavement care; because again, this is my portion of motherhood with Joislen. If u cannot understand. Try not to bond with your child for a few hours, days, weeks, months, as people expect bereaved mothers to do. Then u will understand mentioning remembering and memorializing them is not a sign of unhealthiness. It's a sign of motherhood.
I'm not getting at anything or trying to get likes. I'm just sharing some of the real thoughts on my heart about some of the things I've seen and experienced in the past 11.5 months.

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