pregnancy after loss confessionals

Jul 31, 2016

Now I know why I've been waking up everyday at 3am. God needs me to pray because he knows the anxiety I am facing as we get closer to induction date.
today at church I had a full blown panic attack. I've learned how not to externally hyperventilate and scream and wail. But internally. That happened
My post this morning was how I channeled the fact that d3 wasn't moving much today. The idea that I would have another stillbirth was very real. Every morning I wake up, ptsd in full effect, replaying waking up to a lifeless womb and fretting it's happening again.
He wasn't moving through Sunday school. Or service. I texted 2 local friends to see if they had a Doppler. I didn't want to go to the ER. Because I was in a spiritual battle. God told me d3 was for earth. But he wasn't moving. I needed reassurance. But I didn't want to go to the hospital. I just didn't. I didn't want to miss the word God had for me. If my child was dead again. I could deliver him after service.
But the anxiety was bad. And both my local friends didn't have dopplers and I live an hour away. So I went to my husband and called him outside to pray with me. He laid hands on my belly and he prayed and we embraced and I cried. Head to head. He prayed. He told me it's because of what my friends are going through. Other bereaved moms. Little did he know it was our own experience I was replaying in my head. I don't need someone else's late child to trigger me, I have my own.
He prayed with sureness. And I didn't know how. Because we're coming up on 4 hours since I woke up and I didn't feel NOTHING. When Joislen died he thought everything was okay because he wasn't carrying her. It felt like that again. And I can't explain the freeze in my heart. Pause button. I can't explain what it feels like. But it sucks.
I sit back in church and feel a few questionable things. Was it my boy fluttering or his lifeless body floating around.
Apostle starts preaching a message. It's already inside of you. What's yours is already in you. Don't believe lies of the devil. I decided a few weeks ago I wanted to catch d3. Apostle said. It's already inside of you you just have to pull it out. He said what God promised you is real. I felt my help coming. The lover of my soul. He was coming with comfort and boldness to believe in His promise. I decided to believe he was okay.
Slowly but surely Dwayne started to wake up. Fist pump. Tumble. And reassure me. It reminded me of when the disciples were freaking out in the storm and Jesus was sleeping at the bottom of the boat.
Pregnancy after loss is great.
And it's impossible.
And it's beautiful.
And it's the biggest trigger.
And it's worth it.
And it's crushing.
Because I know many women who can relate. I wanted to share the experience that is so common to us.

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