i wont "be a good mom one day". i am a good mom.

Mar 12, 2016

I get that it's hard to understand I'm a mother. When I've never breastfed. And my daughter was dead when I changed her diaper that one and only time. I understand the thought process but I wanted to make this clear. While a mom will wake up at 5 after hardly sleeping and have her hands full all day with her bundle of joy. And it's clear to see her motherhood. Do know this. When I am walking this thing called grief out with a fellow loss mom? I am changing a diaper. When I am grieving. I am cleaning up puke. When I am traveling, and doing training, to learn more about what I've been through and how to serve others? I'm buckling my kid up to go visit grandma. When I boldly face each day without my daughter visible, but so heavy in my heart, I'm taking my kid to the store for an embarrassing day of her acting out. When I am branding my girl, blogging, and creating apparel, I am at doctors appointments. When I am going to the hospital while my body is still broken after my labor to make change for the next woman, and following up with monthly meetings to bring about change, I am doing laundry. When I campaign for medical equipment so another family will have a better experience, that's my sleepless night. When I'm doing ceremonies or interviews or attending memorials, I'm taking my kid to a birthday party. When I tell my story and make myself available to people's hurtful thoughts and advice, I'm changing clothes and feeding my baby. When I am spending my Christmas sitting on a piano mourning, and composing a jingle to my girl, I'm at the ER because my baby got hurt. When I have doors shut in my face when all I'm trying to do is help, my nipples are sore from breastfeeding. When I'm going to my shrink weekly to process life, I'm at mother daughter yoga. When insecure angel moms hate on my love for my daughter or Gods hand in my life, We're at the park and someone's else's kid has made mine cry. When I have an experience with a yellow butterfly. I'm playing with my daughter. I know it's hard for some mothers to get. When u don't sleep. Your entire day is consumed with your child. And they take up your whole life. That is what you know of motherhood. And while I don't necessarily understand those exact things. I want you to know. I do understand this: I don't always sleep either. My days are often consumed with things related to my motherhood journey, and yeah, needless to say, Joislen has changed my life--too. When u spend ur days for your child u get a reward right away. A hug. A smile. Comfort. It's hard work and I never take away from it, I yearn for the day when I get to have some more normalcy with my journey, but what I do is for my daughter. I am working for other people's comfort. And for the hope of one day having Joislen tackle me in love and adoration. please guys. Please remember this. I am a mother. I have had many people tell me I will be a good mom one day, not from a bad place, but that day came and went when Joislen was conceived in November of 2014. That's when I became a mother. Honestly even before because I take God-mothering and nurturing others seriously. Oh what I'd give for a traditional motherhood journey--wefies and cries and feedings and jokes and naps and all consuming tiredness. but that was not my start to the race. Nevertheless, my maternal love oozes out of every fiber of my being and fuels an everlasting legacy. That my friends, is motherhood. Equally respectable. Equally draining. And Exponentially more emotionally taxing-- sorry if that offends, but I say that confidently. The cries a mom of a living child cries probably in 18 years. I cried in one night. I would trade any maternal sorrow you can ramble off for my daughter alive and I'm sure you can agree you'd prefer your child to be here than get a pass on some inconvenience. Raising a living child is common to motherhood--the normal course of events. But nurturing your angels memory? Is a special part of motherhood I wish no one ever knew. But it is part of my portion nonetheless. I won't be a good mom one day. And I don't deserve to be a mom in some futuristic way. Not only am I a step mother. But I am a loving caring woman. I've conceived. I've carried. I've given birth. I have nurtured the next generation. Given back. Served the community. I've loved through death to life. And done more for Joislen in 6 months then I think I've done for myself in 30 years. If that is not the definition of motherhood. Then maybe I'm not a mom. Yes I'm a bereaved mom. Yes I'm a loss mom. But I'm also Joislen's mom. Just a regular, mother. Who loves her child. And hopefully you never have to bury your child, but I will tell you from MY experience. Death doesn't change anything. She is as much my daughter as she was when she was alive on earth. And our spiritual relationship is so real and so strong, our bond is rock solid. Call me crazy. Call me delusional. And I don't care. Because she calls me mommy and that's all that matters to this girl. She will always be my love.
I do not rank grief. And I do believe all losses have their magnitude and own crosses. Do note tho, an ectopic pregnancy, a chemical pregnancy, an abortion, a miscarriage, SIDS, or later losses of a child. is not giving birth to your child's lifeless body. I'm not saying what I experienced is worse. I'm just saying that We have the loss of hope and a child in common but that's as far as the commonalities go. I have no clue what those are like, none. I can't even imagine some aspects of different grief. and I hope to never know. just the same, people who've experienced those different types of losses have no idea what my experience was like. So maybe you don't count your experience as motherhood. Or maybe you don't talk about your experience and think other's shouldn't either. Maybe when your "rainbow" came, the ball on real motherhood started rolling for u. Maybe you don't count your loss in your family count. I don't know what u do. But to be frank. That has nothing to do with us. I am telling you what it is for me. Joislen is more my sunshine than my storm. And what I've been through is nothing short of Motherhood. Lifelong motherhood. Tiring motherhood. Rewarding motherhood. Sacrificial motherhood. Laborious motherhood. Real life, real tears, real time, real love. Motherhood. I bet this would've been a good Mother's Day post huh? But why not today. Happy early mothers day to myself. And all mothers. No matter where your child lives. Heaven or earth. Happy early Mother's Day

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