one word

Feb 9, 2016

today in one of the loss groups a momma asked us to describe our experience in one word. while i can certainly resonate with the words the mommas were sharing, empty, hallow, fake, heartbroken, traumatized--i have felt every single last one. one word comes to mind when i think of my sweet baby girl.

Thankful: Joislen lives on. shes always with me. i will see her again. shes okay. im thankful i conceived. im thankful i carried her. im thankful i am her mom and not anyone else. im thankful for our amazing memories that will have to last me a lifetime. but somehow, we are still making more. im thankful for hope, peace, and love. all i have is praise when i think about my daughter. shes the best thing ive ever done.

CM: I love how positive you are!!! I try so hard to remember all of these things, but I just feel defeated I had so much hope for my angel... We had lost a couple babies earlier on so when I got so far along with her I didn't think anything could go wrong and then it did unsure emoticon and I know each of them is with me, but it's still hard.

Me: oh momma. u know its God i cant even take a morsel of credit for my peace. this is my ONE word. trust me on my list of 10, i have felt every single word on this list. and some other words too. shamed. forsaken. confused. forgotten. depressed. incomplete. so many things that we have all felt. but each of our children brought different things to our lives with their unique personalities. Joislen, being named after my middle name, Joy, has brought just that to my life. death is nothing to me. we all face it one day. yes it hurts like nothing human. but shes still my baby. shes still my best friend. shes still my first born. memories on earth, yeah i miss them. maternal sorrows. yeah i got em. but im so over this temporary crap. and i look to eternity. and i see a perfect girl smiling on me. and that is the sweetest comfort ever. perspective and faith is how i make it through. He is all ive ever had. and all i ever need.

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