Today's entry is a grief assessment. Although I am at the beginning of my grief in terms of time. I have been told by a grief specialist, and a psychologist, that where I am, some of their graduates never reach. Is it the awesome God I serve? (Yes) my PTSD counseling after the military? (That really helps too) life experience that I have? (Yes, I know my resilience) but even with all that, It's not like I have it all together. I just take it one breath at a time. My self-care is horrible at times and my motivation is too. My priorities aren't always in order. Usually after a big accomplishment, I get attacked, spiritually. And have to fight. Something amazing happens in Joislen's memory and bam. the next day is hard. I've noticed that pattern, so I don't stay down for long.
Todays entry asked "Are you peaceful, angry, frustrated, hopeful" and the answer is E. "Are you stuck? Are you comfortable?" nope aaaaand nope. That's why I'm moving. to get out of this season. This is part of my story but it's not the end. So I have to keep going (Joislen comes too). I have always been a high functioning person. Just because I can write a poem doesn't mean I'm not heartbroken. If I sat around and thought about my own situation all day my house would probably eat me alive (it's a quiet place sometimes). I would rather help others with what I do have then to feel sorry for myself because of what I don't. I must say though. I have not consciously set out to do much. The grief ball is kinda just rolling and I'm being sensitive and obedient to God's voice. I'm an active griever. Kinda just like, okay, what next? Sometimes it feels like I'm going through the motions, and I wanna be woken up when I have someone to raise quite honestly. That day will come, so I'm just trying to enjoy the ride in the meantime. Why not right? If I gotta go through it I might as well make the most of it. All the fruit you can see in my life is not my own though. I'm just a bitter old hag with hearing problems (Dwayne can attest). But God? God has decide to purge me and fill my with Himself and use me for His glory. I'm just along for the ride (willingly). But if He ever stops driving this bus, oh, you'll know. Cuz ain't nothing pretty coming from this gal on her own. It's. all. God.
Today's picture is of nature. Trees that blow in the wind but don't easily break, remind me of me. A mountain that will not move, no matter what, reminds me of my faith. U can rain on it stomp on it, do whatever you want but it ain't coming down. The whole grief thing is a unique process. And sometimes I just feel like "okay God, are we there yet?"
But.
I remember this...
Does anybody like half baked cake? Might be sweet but it'll make you sick. So. I'll wait.
(Here's a concept I heard at a woman's conference) if your whole life is a cake. Well. One part of it is flour. Just flour. We like cake. But who likes a gulp of plain flour? So it's good to keep things in perspective. Sometimes He just needs to add a few more ingredients but something delish is being prepared. I will end with this quote I wrote, some time ago. "This journey is full of learning, I feel like traveling's my destination." #joislengrace #captureyourgrief #joislen #whathealsyou
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