"lucadorosmomDay 3: #captureyourgrief2016 | What did it feel like? |
I was pregnant one moment, and when I woke, there were no cries, but I had no idea how sick he was, or that he'd die. I was just sad because I had planned a home birth, and we ended up having an emergency cesarean. I felt the most alone I have ever felt when I woke up from his birth. And it because wasn't there weren't people around me, it was because he was gone from my womb, and he wasn't anywhere near me. When I found out he wasn't going to make it, all the drugs I was on blurred the reaction- because I was in a dream world.It didn't really hit me until we went back home from the hospital after his birth and death. That's when the primal screams started. I felt crazy. Completely unhinged. I can still remember it and get that uneasy feeling in my gut, and my chest, and my throat. Knowing that I would never hold him in my arms or kiss his face again- while staring at all of his things that we had prepared for his arrival and subsequently having to explain to the world that he had died, was another part of the death of the old me. #captureyourgrief #lifeafterloss"