couldve vs what is

I'm so overdue to update joislens blog a lot has happened since her birthday. I will do it this week. Today I caught myself really missing her physical self. I often don't think of her in those terms since I never knew her in those terms. As my dear friend prophesied to me 2 weeks before j was born. "You will be her mother but it'll be different. You'll be a spiritual mother to her". She had no clue what it meant but hindsight is 20/20. So our relationship has been a spiritual one mainly, even tho we had 280 physical days together. Man today I was holding this sweet baby in church he is just so darn cute! Love him up. It dawned on me that I would never hold the weight of my growing child on my lap. She would never get to be a big sister on this side of eternity. These realizations aren't all too crushing for me cuz I realize her portion is infinitely better. But sometimes I'm in my humanity. Sometimes the weight of my portion doesn't feel amazing. As this sweet baby was curled up in my arms. All over my belly I realized I would never have Joislen in this way. Never see her plaguing the pews at church or bonding with her brother through my belly (and beyond). Never get to see their relationship unfold solely with my natural eyes, it will always take faith to see my children bond. In these moments I just have to close my eyes and connect with her reality. Which is God. Sometimes I miss her physical self. Not in that I experienced it and it is now gone. But in that, missing kinda way, like she's physically missing from the story. That saddens me at times. I am thankful that she doesn't feel far to my heart. I am thankful that she doesn't feel dead to me in anyway. She feels very alive in Christ. But reality sets in at times, and I realize that we are not going to be afforded millions of earthly opportunities that mothers and daughters are afforded. She lives in my heart but sometimes I do wonder what it would be like for her to live in my arms. I'm more of the thought process that they both could've been here. I don't think we couldn't have gotten pregnant 6 months later if Joislen was for earth. I've never been on birth control and we are in our child bearing season. If I had an earlier loss and then conceived before the previous pregnancy would've been over I understand the feeling that this one wouldn't have been here if that one lived. Or if I would've been on birth control after Joislen I understand those thoughts. But both of them very well could've been here. But she is not. And that's the reality I have to continue to dwell in and accept because I will be pretty bummed if I always resent her physical absence. I don't think she's a missing piece of our puzzle. I think the picture is clear as day, and beautifully, heartbreakingly raw, yet glorious. it just hurts sometimes. When we get some family pictures I will surely have joislen shadowed in at the age she would be at the time of the picture. Because even though she cannot be seen. She is so much a part of our family. This is my evening heart spill. 💛👼🏽 we love you Joislen. Goodnight my beautiful.