random thoughts-pregnancy after loss.

Jul 15, 2016

Joislen went out of my womb and into my heart (via His arms). Dwayne will go out of my belly and into my world (via His promise). The build up of love is so special. I am really thankful I'm able to connect with my son just the same. Angel momming isnt always easy. If anything my love and anticipation for Joislen only heightened and strengthened my love for the boy. And I don't take that for granted. Because I could be kicking rocks. And I most certainly am not. If I can be honest. I've been present enough recently. But truth be told. I believe I am spending more time searching the past to make sense of my reality in my free time. Which helps time go by. Wasted? That's subjective. I don't think so. I have never been reflective. I always just do. And then do something new. But there is wisdom in slowing down and reflecting. And I've been doing a lot of it. life (and Facebook on this day lol) forced me to look back at where I've been to better understand where I'm going. Which is allowing me to kinda cruise through right now, while still handling responsibilities. It's the best I got. It is what it is. I feel like on September 20. I will come back to myself. I will start living again. Not in the past searching and handling responsibilities sort of way. But in the being present and aware sort of way. Call me protected. I know when I cannot handle something. So I've been somewhere between what was, what is, what's going to be, and eternity, and I've found a lot of peace and acceptance journeying this timeline called destiny. Things make some sense when you zoom way out.
Tomorrow is 11 months since my girl translated. My latest vision was her as a huge yellow butterfly in heaven flying in the distance towards me, wingspan of a small airplane type huge (okay maybe slightly smaller). Lol. Slow motion flaps. And as she got closer she morphed into her lil body. My curly headed 4 year old girl. And ran to me. 

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