our hope, our portion

there are two very special days in a little baby's life that i will mention, aside from the all miraculous day of conception: maternity photoshoot, and birth day. often times you will see a mother post a picture of her holding her belly during pregnancy, next to a picture of her holding her baby after pregnancy. i always dreamed of doing this. life's curveballs have a way of trying to destroy your journey to your destination. today, i mustered up the courage, to compare these days--

 though i couldn't anticipate the turns they'd take, we did all experience both days. usually, it's joy on one side of the picture, and greater joy on the other; but our case, it's joy on one side, and.....

how do i describe our only day with our daughter? i mean, we had her for close to 300... days but this was her first day outside of me-- but she was physically alive for all the other days; and this day, she wasn't. what does this day even count for? is it just heartache? is it just misery? is it just pain? 

God forbid. i don't care how hellish that day was, it was still a special day. i can't easily name it. but i know what it wasn't. lets call it, lets call it life. no pun intended. but life. in all its realness, all its crushing agony, all its glorious beauty, let's call it life on the other side.

only immense love has me returning to that day.

this update is about hope deferred. it shows the contrast of our expectations and our reality. because Joislen's destiny caught us by surprise, there's one who knew all along. Foreknowledge, yes. a cruel life taker who killed my daughter? not so much; that's not God. it is appointed to us all to die once. Joislen's number of days were slightly less than mine in the scope of eternity, but one thing is for certain, she lived, and yet, lives.

I have had a handful of signs that would say Joislen knew her meeting with the Maker was imminent.

1. the random caption i wrote on a sonogram collage of hers "don't rush me! i have 10-14 more weeks!"
2. her baby shower cake. i was thinking of something cute like, i dunno, go Joislen, it's almost ya birthday. but....."a loan from Jesus" is what the text read.
3. her all out worship session 2 weeks before she died, to the song, i can only imagine. a song about how amazing heaven is. she was so excited to meet Jesus.

these are the signs that make be believe that Joislen knew that she was headed to a great place. my signs that Joislen was not for earth are countless if truth be told, and if you've followed the blog any i'm sure you know some of them, so im not going into that right now.

here's some scripture proof that babies have a praise and a purpose before they have a social security number.

“I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly.” Psalms‬ ‭22:10‬ ‭KJV‬‬  

“But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother's womb, and called me by his grace” ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭1:15‬ ‭KJV‬‬ 

“The Lord hath called me from the womb; from the bowels of my mother hath he made mention of my name.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭49:1‬ ‭KJV‬‬ 

“For, lo, as soon as the voice of thy salutation sounded in mine ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy.” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭1:44‬ ‭KJV‬‬ 

i know the outcome of her physical life is not quite what we expected. but it doesn't change what happened. although the weight of our portion is almost inconceivable to many, it is not worthy to be compared to two things that come to mind.

1. The sacrifice Jesus paid so we could have salvation, where death ultimately loses it's power 
2. well, the scripture says it better than i could "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans" 8:18 

the seeming "end" of her story, does not take away from her beauty, her purpose, or her praise. and as you know. her story is far from over. the same is true for yours