put the monitor on her heart

I never told anyone this. But after they confirmed she passed. And started to induce me in my room. I told them to grab an ultrasound machine. See where her heart is. And put the monitor right over it. im sure they thought I was crazy but quickly realized I didn't care and was totally serious. I had to listen to the silence for hours, it was part of how I accepted and processed it. (I was doing other things but the volume was up on the lifelessness in my womb) My true hope though, was that when it started beating again, I'd be the first to know. 

(not my belly)

needless to say, I was able to take it off 1/2 way through my labor when it became more real to me that there was no coming back from this bodily death. even after she was cremated. i dreamed of waking up to my screaming baby crying in her crib. it was physically impossible, completely illogical, yet, my biggest hope. i think death was too final for me to pitch tent in. my faith is small enough and my God is big enough to shift focus from her life, to her life. i was at and in death but for a while. before long though. i realized her eternal self. before long He revealed that she was more alive in her spirit, in my heart, than she had ever been in a temporary shell. i heard nothing from the monitor with my natural ears. but i reckon, there were cheers in heaven when Joislen arrived. the little lady who never had to speak, yet said so much with her life. she shook her world with her gracious impact. we can take a page out of her book.