it's not always fun without you

Mar 29, 2016

Testimony Tuesday: "The storm is over now" by Kirk Franklin just ministered to me like never before. I remember when I was on deployment one shipmate knew I had that song on my playlist, and when she was having a rough night she would come to my rack and ask to borrow my iPod so she could listen to it on repeat all night. She lost her mom. I had not known real grief at the time. Yes life happened. But no one extremely close to me had died. Yet alone my first born, inside of me. So the Song just never really touched me at that time. It came on pandora today. When you don't fight your own battles, you can look at the past and be shocked as to what all you overcame. What all you made it through. These past 7.5 months have been unbearable at times. I cannot count how many days I didn't get out of bed. I cannot explain how hard it has been to muster up the courage to face school, face church, face life again. It takes so much energy to be okay, and while I do a good job, it is far from easy. I am in counseling every single week. I had a relapse on thanksgiving, it had been over a decade, yet I found myself carving my daughters initials into my wrist with a box cutter as I bawled hopelessly. I have been in rooms full of people. And felt completely, painfully alone. I have been here physically, but 100% in another dimension, innumerable times. I wanted to overdose on some drugs when I got out of the hospital but I only had two pills left, so I took them and chugged some wine and passed out. I tried an antidepressant for a few weeks. It was a season. Where I was on autopilot. I was just done. And God did everything for me. Every. Thing. I listened to that song this morning and I finally could appreciate it. Little by little. Day by day. The days are becoming more bearable. My joy is being restored and no external force can receive the credit. My hope is rekindling. The fear is dwindling. Yeah. We all know I'm super strong and can do so much for others. But the storm I've weathered these past months almost cost me what was left of my sanity, almost cost me my life. Today. I was able to reflect a little. And find some solace in the sun that I cannot deny is coming back out. The storm didn't kill me. And it wasn't meant to. These tears that stream down my face are purifying ones. Day by day I am being renewed. I was broken down to nothing. Completely abased. And He's doing a new thing in me. I wanted to share some of my testimony this morning. We are healed by each other's words so I've never been afraid to tell it. If u find yourself in the midst of life's biggest storms, I assure you. It doesn't last always. Much love.

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