their lifespan

Dec 23, 2015

They lived in His mind before they were sent to our worlds
Our babies were on God's todo list, for sure. 
Not happenstance or a mistake why we were chosen to mother
Our messengers from God who changed our lives forever. 
"It is time". He said. "For a special journey to begin. A life only lived in the womb within"
We received the notice of our package with great expectation
Throughout the length of a pregnancy we had bits of revelation
What would they like, and grow to love to do
How would it be to meet the best parts of a love so true 
We dreamed of the time we would get to hold them.
We longed for the day that their time on earth would begin outside of us.
Of course we made a little fuss because of the aches and pains. We were over being pregnant and fully equipped to fulfill the dreams we dreamed of them
The readiness became anxiousness when we speculated they may have left
It was then the world swallowed us when the confirmation of our biggest fear made us deaf
Deaf to everything going on around
Broken at the realization that the only sound you would make in this life is what we could imagine you whispering from heaven, and the only breath we would see you take on this side of eternity would have to be seen in a vision. 
It would take a whole lot to experience you in this new now. Huge faith, a little imagination, determination, observation, and an awareness that because you still exist; we can still have special time with you, just not in the way we had wished.
So we look for the signs from nature, the dreams from God, the insight from children, the gestures from those around, and the creativity within. To keep your impact burning bright
Stillborn. Still lived. still birthed. Still missed. Still beautiful. Still ours. Still living. 
But Why "still"? The stillness of the birth of course, where a precious exterior was delivered when the spirit already went to be with the Lord
But why do we have to explain that our children "still" lived. As if they are some second class kinda human because their lifespan wasn't as long as we thought it should've been. Why do we have to say they are still loved as if any mother would be expected to feel any differently towards her child just because they are not visible anymore, just because mere flesh died.
There is nothing still about any of this. Nothing else on the planet has gripped our core this way. Nothing else on earth has changed the direction of our lives to this extent. Nothing. And I mean nothing in this world, Has moved us more. so beautiful they are. and a love so pure. 
These are our children
This is our life
So take out the still, and stop devaluing our experience and their lives
My daughter was born. Is loved. She lived. She died. She is alive. And is living. Yet again once more. I cannot reduce our experience to a few words. It takes a minute to get to understand us, and her.
I will feel her. I will speak of her. I will see glimpses of her around. If you know me. You will know her. I will not forfeit the joy of commemorating my daughter because people's finite minds refuse to accept that life can continue being lived long after death 
And carrying a piece of heaven isn't just losing a child
God kissed my belly. Hand crafted my baby. And our lives will be infinitely changed. 
So while we are enjoying our children. Lets leave space for the Angel moms to also remember ours. Get comfortable with this reality, that they are coming forward with us. We will talk about them, tell about them, share of whatever we so feel prompted. 
I will now spend this life, ever reminded of that life, when my Savior lives and my baby laughs. The only thing that separates us from being fully reunited with them is our last, earthly, breath. Till then. We appreciate every hug from heaven that reminds us of the jewel we call our children. The pricelessness of the experience. 
imagine a mom who lost her child in the mall. She would not rest till she found the fruit of her womb and made sure they were okay.
Well, safe to say the premature death of an infant towers in magnitude in terms of loss. But the depth of despair cannot be conveyed in words so I will spare you. But our child is not here, and like any mother, we will look for signs of them, never tiring, telling the world of heavens sweetest gain, until we see them again.

No comments:

Post a Comment