thank you is all i have

Dec 30, 2015

As I took out my braids tonight (feeling as black and beautiful as ever) with the help of my sweet husband (more like I was helping him). I had a lot of time to reflect. I will never be able to properly thank. Or pay back. Anyone whose been there for me since Joislen died. I'm not used to that. I'm not used to loads of people having my back and me not being able to reciprocate in some way, my gratitude. So many cards. Nice gestures. Care packages. Warm thoughts. Heartfelt stories. Friends. Ears. Prayers. Support. Talented people extending their gifts. Anointed people extending heavenly encouragement. So much love and realness. It leaves me humbled. I think of so many of you so often. I miss so many old friends. But my energy these days goes to just being, and so I don't always get to let you know that I care about you. I will never be who I was. The glory and hell I have experienced has changed me forever. I am now trying to learn to be in the same world, as a completely different person. And only God knows how long a sense of normalcy will take. 2015 was the best year of my life. It was an unbearably beautiful pain. But my daughter is worth it all. 2016 is such a transitional year where more promises are coming to fruition. And to be honest. All of this stuff makes me numb. I feel myself on some what of an autopilot. Knowing that my thaw out is not far off. So I'm just riding these waves. I am so thankful for my support system. But I don't have anything for anyone. I don't have a thank you card. A returned kind gesture. I just have a little courage to face each day. And a big God who we've promised we will not give up on each other. That's what I got. So cheers to Joislen. And some amazing people who've carried me. When I can't even feel them lightening my load. You will never know how much you guys mean to me. No kind gesture has gone unappreciated. And each one. Was very needed. Love you guys.

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