it's better to have love and loss

Oct 12, 2015

A friend shared an article about grief with me. And it invoked this response: I will NEVERRRRRR get over Joislen's death. What does that even mean? She's not a baseball card that I lost. She's not a bad day that I had. There's nothing to get over. It's a reality to accept. "Grief" is very unique for each of us. Who what when why where how. Is as individualized as our own finger prints; no two are the same. So there's nothing to compare here. The definition of grief is deep sadness/poignant distress. this will sound like a curse word to some. but I don't "have" that, in the heaviness of the definition. I've experienced it. My God, I have experienced it. But it's not with me always. I have a lot of things. Longing. Nostalgia. Vulnerability. reservations. Wishes. Missing. A deep, powerful, eternal love. Passion. Bouts of disbelief, anger and fear. A challenged hope and a faith on fire. But what I have isn't smothering me. It's more, pushing me higher. My reality perspective and perception has changed forever. Nothing looks the same to me. I move on, from the darkness, despair and hopelessness that death can bring. That giving birth to death can bring. But I don't even see it as giving birth to death anymore. What a haunting phrase, and what torment it carries. I gave birth to my daughter's body, shortly after her spirit departed from it. And she comes forward with us. She's our family. She's our daughter. And whoever can't handle that reality doesn't belong in mine. Cuz this isn't a season. It's my life. And just like your kids are a part of your life. Joislen is a part of ours. I'm doing this capture your grief thing this month but honestly? for me. It's more like. Capture your journey to/through/of hope. Does it hurt like hell at times? Of course. It's not pain free. Am I at my 100%? No. I'm working so hard to protect my sanity and keep my priorities in somewhat of order. But grief doesn't have me. God does. I just want my loved ones to have realistic expectations. My daughter's not a memory I will bury. I will not forfeit the joy of speaking about her to make anyone comfortable. She's not a heavy dark depressing conversation.

She's her. And if you've gotten this far in the post. You probably have been inspired by her awesome life in some positive way. I have been, too.

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