Day 16: Creative Grief

Oct 16, 2015

I hope you have utensils because this will be a bit to digest. The creativity to prepare for loss began while I was pregnant. I didn't know it at the time but when I reflect, it was there. These are a few of the main things. On her baby shower cake, I wrote "a loan from Jesus". Who writes that on a baby shower cake? It's just what came to me in the store. On one of her sonogram pictures from May I wrote from her "I got 10-14 more weeks, don't rush me!" I believe Joislen knew His plan for her, all along. She knew I was anxious to meet her but she knew this would be our only time together on earth, and she wanted me to enjoy it. On a mini heart shaped chalk board for the maternity photoshoot I wrote, "His glory, our joy." One expo we went to for nursing, I wrote a name tag for me on my chest and one for her on my belly. Later that day I stuck hers on Dwayne's dashboard. And Dwayne taped it on there. Who would've know that'd be the only Joislen to ever ride in his car. And now she always does. 

Looking back. I feel like His Spirit was protecting my mind for what was to come. So that when I look back. I know God was with me all along. I remember a friend was sharing fears about losing her newborn as I was with child. It was exactly two weeks before Joislen died. And I felt the Holy Spirit encourage her through me. But I just knew somewhere deep down that she didn't need that advice as much as I was about to. She asked the questions but the answers were for me. I can't explain it. But I knew to archive that convo in my memory bank for a trying storm soon to hit. I was ministering to her but He was preparing me. I had a peace though. I trust the One whom I'm surrendered to. I NEVER imagined it would happen this way though. Just cuz I can find purpose in it when I reflect. Doesn't mean I wanted it. I just try to make the most of a situation. And when I look back. I see moments lived in and those precious moments. cherished. U ever seen those movies where if 1 thing would've happened differently everything would've changed but eventually the same outcome would've happened? Or to change one thing changes something else and not for the better? That kinda stuff. Those movies remind me its best not to play God. I don't have foresight and foreknowledge. It happened. This is where we are at now. Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda. But that didn't happen. That's not here. So what now? I ended my text conversation with my sister in Christ (pictures of the convo attached) to a link to this video
Who would've known that Elliot would hug Joislen just hours before I got that chance to.

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