Day 14: express your heart

Oct 14, 2015

This one is long. But it will bless you if you read it through.

There was a time in this journey where I lost my will to live. The sketch I shared yesterday captures that moment with my daughter better than the real picture. The love in my face says I go where you go. It's my kiss confession that I'll never say goodbye. I honestly prayed with everything in me that my tears had some resurrecting power. I prayed that He would work a miracle and I promised to give Him the glory if He did. When I reflect back, He did work a miracle. He allowed me to conceive within the first 6 weeks of marriage. Joislen's was my first pregnancy. He allowed me to carry the coolest kid ever for 10 blissful months. And I can say that He had been trying to prepare me for the day when I got that news, for almost 6 years. My whole walk with Him thus far was all for what I would face on August 15, 2015. The battles with purity, identity, military obstacles, all seemed like child's play. Basic training was over. And I was in a full on war for my mind, will, and hope. He so sweetly reminded me that where our treasures are there will our hearts also be. My stock for heaven went waaaaayyyyy up when Joislen died. So much so that I wanted to die and be with her. There was a fatal battle going on between my feelings and my faith. Both of them could not make it out alive. my feelings were demolishing my faith. Feeling empty. Shamed. Forsaken. Traumatized. Blindsided. Like a murderer. Like a failure. I was severely wounded. I was left for dead by the mercilessness of my own hands, in response to this dreadful situation; as my feelings beat the faith right out of my body. And if no one came to rescue me from myself, I surely would've died on that battle field. Jesus saw me there. Bloody. Defeated. Dying.

The worst part is when your faith and feelings go to war, your opponent is yourself. He was so sad for my plight. He called to His angels for some assistance with this job. They all stood afar off while He worked. But He let one near. Joislen watched Jesus work on me and she was concerned. She couldn't figure out why I was so hurt. She had such a rich and loving journey in my womb, and now in the presence of the Lord, she just couldn't understand my pain. "What's wrong mommy?" Jesus allowed me to see this heavenly revelation. Of my perfect daughter in perfect peace. It's her who I love. It's her who I miss. It's her who I long for. So knowing that she is truly okay. Not in some 'heaven is for real' cheesy way. But no. A legitimate reality just a dimension away. It brought peace. The Lord had to give me a good talking to one day for me to see any light in this. He took me through a reflective road of my life where He showed me how He has always been there. And how this was all part of His plan for my life. once I saw a glimpse of light. It rushed in forcefully and broke the door of my dungeon down. He illuminated everything. And I see things now. From faith. And not feelings. My love for Joislen fuels me. And God's love for me empowers me. Between the two of them. I just cannot let this perceived storm swallow me. 'There is beauty in the break down'. -frou frou. I will end with one of my favorite quotes. "He doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called"
‪#‎joislengrace‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬ ‪#‎joislen‬ ‪#‎captureyourgrief‬

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