day 13: triggers and regrets

I have always tried to live with no regrets. Trite but true, I believe everything happens for a reason. So I've made it a discipline not to live in regret. But boy was that practice challenged when I learned my girls heart had stopped. Was it something I did? Didn't do? Something I ate or drank? Didn't eat or drink enough of? Did I move too much? Did I not move enough? What did I do to kill my daughter! That's a normal thing to think for an angel ...mom. I had to go down the list of each guilt nuggets and realize: I didn't kill Joislen. There are far more imperfect pregnant women than me with living children. And there are far more perfect pregnant women, who've also experienced a stillbirth with unknown etiology. So I cannot start to think that I did this. I also couldn't blame God, or the doctors. It just is what it was. I will be doing some things different next pregnancy. Medically, emotionally and physically-- things will just be different this time. But those changes are just for my peace of mind, not to force God's hand. We believe our next deliveries will be of living children. All the love in the world could not allow my child take an independent breath on this earth. So, I know whose in control. I just want to personally live better. 

Triggers take work but I face them head on. Pregnant lady? Congrats. Little baby girl? Hey beautiful. The only times I've felt trapped was a crying baby girl right behind me on a bus ride. That was hard since I couldn't distract myself. And also an appointment I had at the hospital. I walked right by the room of my last Drs appointment, when they told me everything was great and had me focus 100% on labor; not the rarest of possibilities, a statistic I would become, some 24 hours later. she died the very next day. Facing that prenatal unit can be taxing on my heart. Three of my closest friends are pregnant. Two other near ones have infants. So I can't clam up and be bitter despite the tempting allure. Life goes on. I try to celebrate with those who celebrate. I'm not super woman. I've turned down a handful of baby events, not because I couldn't go, but if i haven't connected on a certain level with a mother, it'll be awkward to be the girl with the dead baby in the room-- and I don't want to steal anyone's special moment. I was able to buy gifts for some new moms online which I was proud of. Facing my nail shop again took me 7 weeks. Because they can't speak English well. And I couldn't explain anything. I just shook my head no as they asked about the new baby, and after about a minute, and the tears in my eyes, they realized.

I try to not let things that I cannot control, control me. Today's picture is from a time in my life some 11 years ago. where triggers and regrets and fear and desperation ruled me. It's not all too cute when I lose my mind. So I try not to do it often.
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