The Forgotten Grievers

Sep 24, 2015

Sometimes men are the forgotten grievers. While our circle has done a great job in including him. I wanted to take a moment and publically honor my best friend. Dwayne

Dwayne is the one who held onto faith when we received the news. When everyone left that dark room, Dwayne grabbed my hand in the hospital and prayed a vulnerable prayer. Asking God to change the situation. He ended his prayer though, saying regardless of the outcome, we would still serve Him. And he surrendered it all to God.

It was Dwayne who supported whatever I needed. Supported the idea of the c-section when I wanted to rush and get it over with. Knowing that he would have to take care of me for weeks thereafter even though he had a broken heart. Many hopes he had for his chance to finally father, unhindered. Dwayne still supported me when we decided for the vaginal delivery, knowing that he would have to coach me through labor with no living fruit to show for it. It was Dwayne who was ready to sleep on a cold hard hospital recliner for 2 nights, though I got them to bring him a cot because I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible. But he didn't sleep that night, anyway. It was Dwayne who went through all the stages of labor with me. And when we completed stage 1. He was standing by my side the entire 57 minutes. He held my leg. As I pushed. Repeatedly caught my vomit. Clean me up. Kissed my forehead. Gave me encouragement. Fanned me. Hydrated me. And loved me. It was Dwayne who told me when I only had one more push left. And with his prediction, her perfect body rushed out of mine. It was Dwayne who kept his cool after the dr accidentally separated me from my daughter with those scissors. The right of passage for all fatherhood. The only privilege we couldve still held onto with our daughter's body. he just calmly cut another piece of her cord for ceremonial pictures.

It was Dwayne who held her first, and processed this for both of us. He stood by my side for the entire 2 hours and 45 minutes that they tried to slow up my bleeding and stitch me (I had a postpartum hemorrhage and stage 2 lacerations--Joislen had a big head). He didn't sit down. Once. It was Dwayne who did a precious handmolding fixture with her, and took pictures of us, I haven't even seen some of the pictures he took. It was Dwayne who would clean her nose when the blood would pool out and my heart was agonizing too much to handle it. It was Dwayne who fell asleep holding her during our first and only night seeing her. I looked at her with him and for a moment the breath in his body that made his chest rise and fall, almost made it look like she had breath in her body. And I cherish that moment for ever, where it appeared that my two loves, were peacefully sleeping. It was Dwayne who dressed her after i gave her a bath because I was really struggling with this annoying onesie.

And When it was time for discharge. Dwayne carried our girl in his arms nobly down the hospital halls. When we got to the exit. He laid her down for the mortuary rep. never to hold her in his arms again. From that day on, she changed residence to our hearts. It was Dwayne who took me to the cremation place to hold her one last time that evening, as he waiting in the car because he knew I needed this time with her, alone.

Dwayne copes differently. He would have been back to work the next day if he were selfish. But it was Dwayne who took off two weeks of work. To make sure I ate. Cuddle with me. Listen to me talk. Cry with me. Be kind. Encourage me with the truth of Gods word, and just be my best friend. And the sweetest father. He didn't judge me as I pumped my breast milk and wasted it down the drain. This was therapeutic for me as a first time mom who didn't know what her body was capable of. And he never asked why. It was Dwayne who went into her nursery to rearrange and pack up some stuff so we could transition to this temporary season without a living baby in it, when I couldn't bare to even look inside. It was Dwayne who comforted me. Held me. Prayed with me every morning. And allowed me to go through whatever it is I needed to on that day. (It was different every day) It was Dwayne who refused to let me try to fill the void with another pregnancy before its time. As I had a rough labor, and my body needed to heal, he exercised wisdom when my fleshly impulses to be pregnant again were out of control. I needed to be in my present reality for healing sake. A mother. With no living child. And an angel baby who has changed her world forever. Without the acceptance of my current cold reality. I would've resented the subsequent baby for not being her.

It is Dwayne who wakes up at 5am every weekday morning to to work and provide for our family, Dwayne who supports however I need to move forward with my nursing endeavors at a pace I can handle. It was Dwayne who said we weren't missing church, because we needed God most. I say all this to say. Dwayne Lamar Taylor. I am honored to be your wife. Joislen had the best days of her life when you would talk to her and play with her and bond with her. We both know I was a little jealous of you guys, she loved when you were around. So much. For 9 months of the pregnancy. You were the only person she ever moved for. Many tried. None succeeded. Sweetheart. I love you to the moon and back. and I will never forget your labor of love through all this. I bless God for you.

he didn't quite walk her down the aisle. but he surely gave her away to a good Man. Daddy's last time with Joislen's physical self. escorting her, to her rest. everytime i see my husband sleeping. i see our girl in him. death doesn't get to destroy their bond. Joislen knows, loves, and misses her daddy.

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